USC Ch.1: An Introvert's Insights
I imagined my first post as an officially registered Trojan to be full of fun, brainwashy crap like FIGHT ON and BEST MARCHING BAND IN THE UNIVERSE but it's not really working out like that. On to it...
College is kicking my introverted ass. In high school it was easy to fake social energy - lessons only took up half the day tops, and after reaching home I could shut myself in a room and groove to music all I wanted. Now, it's hard to even scroll through an article over lunch without a "bam" of some dude's plate landing on my table. Like...I just wanna read stuff. Leave me alo-- wait, I can't say that, or you'll really grant my wish. I don't wanna feel lonely. Sorry, let's talk.
And I also realize just how talented freaking everyone is. What a great feeling, to have my dorm neighbors be a group of trained musicians. Like, of course I enjoy coming over to chill in your living room, but when you start going all band-like on a song I haven't even heard of, and I just sit bobbing my head like a dimbo, well -- it's easy to make a joke like "I'll be the audience", but how long does that hold up? After a while I just feel like a spare part sitting there musically illiterate while everyone else rocks their stuff in harmony. And I think about the scarce few talents that I do have - all involve sitting alone at a computer being really meticulous. Exciting! Scintillating! Someone's gonna like that, right?!
It's common knowledge that dudes in computer science have it the absolute worst when it comes to college life, or just social life in general. Coming into CS, I always held the fantasy that I'd be slightly cooler than the majority of them, but that's a joke - do I even lift? No. Jog? Nah. My arms are stick thin and my skin is pale white, just like the stereotypical CS kiddie. Bonus points for being shorter than most of the other guys on campus! I love this place. Every time I tell some business school jock that I'm a CS major, I feel so predictable -- so dirtily common.
And then above it all is the fact that everyone is so...not self-conscious. It's easy to scroll through Reddit to find that "everyone's as lost as you are" and "fake it till you make it", but that's just a self-selecting pool -- only certain types frequent Reddit anyway. People who have made it this far, into a good college emphasizing on leadership, have all got it figured out -- what kind of a character you are and how you're supposed to "be yourself". But like, what am I? Cookie-cutter insular Chinese kid? Should I be myself at all, or get it together and try a new lifestyle? Question mark???
I don't know anymore, honestly. And I don't know if I'm just ranting. Maybe next semester I'll click back onto this post and see how cute I was to worry this much. I'll wait for that time. Until then - I should probably be working my ass off, like any good CS kid would.
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